The Orrator

Burns and lacerations surrounded by vibrant coloration. Reports of injuries with this description are popping up everywhere. The cause: Homebrewed dyes. With the cost of unidentified dyes reaching all-time highs, some people have reached new levels of desperation to get their clothes and armor colored just right. We spoke with the head dye chemist at “I Could Just Dye”, the makers of “Suprise!” brand Unidentified Dyes.

“Dye making is no simple task. If the mix is off, you can end up with some very volitile results, which would explain the rash of injuries as of late. People really should leave this sort of thing to the professionals”

But this epidemic of dangerous experimentation isn’t relegated to just the home. Last week I saw a man so broken by his need for a hit of color that he was found rubbing a dead Skritt on his legs, screaming, “RED PANTS! RED PANTS! DADDY WANT RED PANTS!”

If you or anyone you love is troubled with dye addiction, please contact your local law enforcement and inquire about services available to the public.