HOELBRAK HEATING BILLS AT ALL TIME HIGH

While it always snows in the Shiverpeaks, that doesn’t mean the Norn love being cold. In fact, they greatly enjoy the warmth of a roaring fire. But keeping a fire going requires fuel, most often wood, and in the halls of Hoelbrak one man is none too happy about the city’s lack of energy consciousness.

Recently, a note was left nailed to the “Great Door” of the “Great Lodge”, which has been left ajar just enough to let in a draft for untold years. It reads…

By decree of Knut Whitebear, every resident of Hoelbrak and even visitors from far off nations must have been born in a barn.

Please start shutting this door behind you.

Thank you,

                                                                      -Knut

NEVER FORGET

It’s been two years since that fateful day. Many of us will never forget, nor should we. Crops were dwindled, livestock was terrorized, and all sorts of unpleasant beasts and bandits came out of the woodwork. It was the day that still remains unexplained as to how, but half of Tyria seemed to get it in their head that they would be the next member of “Destiny’s Edge” or something.

Many elders assumed this new found adventurous spirit was just a fad. Sort of like back in their day when they would run around in neat little groups. But here we are, two years later, and there seems to be no signs of stopping people from taking extreme risks in the name of fortune, glory, and nifty backpacks.

Let’s hope they live long enough to see another two years.

RECORD NUMBER OF ENTRIES IN THIS YEAR’S DRY TOP SAND SCULPTURE SPECTACULAR

With the recent influx of visitors to the Maguuma wastes, Dry Top’s once small community contest to see who held the title as “Quickest Sand Sculptor in the West” turned into a full blown international event.

This year’s theme – “historical figures” – ended in drama as Eir Stegalkin was banned from future events after she used Ogden Stonehealer himself to pose as her finished statue. They almost made away with the prize money but were caught when the judges noticed that a post-contest sandstorm seemed to have no effect on the Dwarven visage.

The first place prize was then given to the runner-up, a Zephyrite turned Dry Top resident who created a wonderfully life-like recreation of Emperor Chang Hai.

CHARRSTATE INSURANCE COMPANY BANKRUPT

With the sudden and tragic upheaval from their homes in Lion’s Arch comes an unprecedented number of home insurance claims from its citizens and business owners. Charrstate, a subsidiary of the Black Lion Trading Company and one of the three largest insurance carriers with most of its accounts based in Lion’s Arch, has filed for bankruptcy.

Evon Gnashblade, under orders from Ellen Kiel, is currently acting as head quartermaster for the rescue efforts and was not able to be reached for comment. But one thing is clear, without financial support, many who once called Lion’s Arch home may not be able to return even if the city is reclaimed.

KRYTA MAN EXILED

A long time Queensdale native was scarred both physically and mentally last night after failing to understand an unwritten Krytan law. The miserable piece of human garbage caught the ire of an angry mob who had gathered just seconds before the man took down a rotting oakheart - a beast that must be smote before its evil can spread through the tranquil forest from which it spawned.

The man, known only as, “scum of Tyria” by those chasing him from the scene, may never be able to show his sorry face again. His loved ones will be told of his transgressions and his children will be mocked because of them. His wife will probably want to remarry, for there is no worse black mark on your family name than dispatching demons without a sizable force to aid you. 

NOISE POLLUTION MAY CAUSE RANGER PETS TO BECOME DEF LEOPARDS

Reports from the frontlines in Kessex Hills claim that something is stirring in the dark tower. As adventurers from all over Tyria have begun to push back against the Krait’s behemoth creation, they believe they hear rhythmic reverberations emanating from within.

“It sounds like… music?” One man claimed as he pressed his ear against the outer wall. Others chimed in that it did seem like music was being played, but like nothing they’d ever heard. A human male was overheard saying, “I hear that music and it’s like…. I just want to let my hair grow really long so I can thrash it about. I don’t know, man.”

 Is this the sound of the evil krait war machine of evilness at work? Are they creating some form of sonic weaponry? Or, is this just another hallucinogenic effect of the poisonous spores the tower has been releasing?

Stay tuned to The Orrator for updates.

YOU CAN DO IT. LION’S ARCH CAN HELP.

As the Halloween festivities escalate into their climax, people from all over Tyria are visiting the great bay city before the season ends. Fortunately, the people who call Lion’s Arch home are working round the clock to ensure that any tourists to their fair city are as jovial as possible. Every single citizen seems to be ready and rearing to answer any and all questions regarding current events, including:

 “When does the Mad King arrive?”

“When was the Mad King last here?”

“Will the Mad King be back soon?”

“Did I just miss the Mad King?”

“I think I just saw the Mad King, where did he go?”

“Is there some resource of knowledge that I can access which could answer any of my questions or should I just keep yelling really loud until someone answers me?”

And so much more!

WE GOT RIGHT TO THE SOURCE AND ASKED THE HARATHI

Local business owners are enjoying the increase in traffic through Kessex Hills, but not everyone is smiling. Perhaps most displeased by the recent Krait uprising is the nearby band of Harathi centaurs.

We caught up with area centaur Dwayne Edd, who explained his people’s glum demeanor.

“We had a real good thing going here. I thought we had a nice little system worked out with the local humans. ‘We attack you, you attack us back’ …it was sort of a cyclical deal, ya know? Makes us both feel important and, well, the job market ain’t all that great right now, let me tell ya. But… these Krait? They built that… thing… I think it’s a meth lab or something, and well, we’re seeing more people roll through our parts, but they’re not like the humans we normally deal with. They’re mean.”

When asked to explain what he meant by that, Mr. Edd was visibly emotional before answering.

“One of ‘em was a big guy. Norn, probably. He knocked the spear right out of my hand and put it flat on the ground in front of me. *sniff* Then he laughed at me. HE KNEW I COULDN’T REACH IT.” *sobbing*

THE KRAIT SHALL RISE AGAIN

The Kessex Hills Housing Association plans to file a complaint with the local Krait who have built a large structure – possibly a utility shed – without first filing the appropriate paperwork. While the Krait have been a bother to local residents in the past, previous transgressions have been largely due to noise ordinance.

Gil Cunningham, spokesperson for the Krait had the following to say from the front porch of his new, obelisk-style structure:

“YA’LL WANNA TAKE THIS THING DOWN THEN COME ON OVER HERE AND TRY IT! HELL, BRING YER FRIENDS! I’LL TAKE ALL YA’LL ON!”

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