The Orrator

A crazed engineer was arrested today after going on a rampage in Gendarran Fields. Eyewitnesses state that he laughed maniacally while shooting steamy hot ooze from a rifle-like device. “We were just hunting Risen in the swamp and this guy came out of nowhere and shot us with this… slimy… ugh… I’ve had three showers and I still can’t seem to get clean,” said one of the half dozen victims, “he just yelled ‘I CAME HERE TO EAT TASTY SANDWICHES AND SPRAY THOSE IN NEED WITH MY LOVE GUN, AND I’M ALL OUT OF TASTY SANDWICHES! POW!’”

The large metal and glass contraption was confiscated by local guards who are unsure what the motive behind this attack was at this time.

THE MISTS – Reports of singular deaths scattered across the Mists have increased over the past few weeks. Messages from the front lines indicate that stray combatants have been seen chased by walls of men and women for hundreds of yards without even noticing until their demise is assured.

It’s thought that a possibly lack of good peripheral vision is leading these people away from their battalions. A word to the wise: don’t get caught away from your group and be sure to check in with your optometrist before heading out to battle.

It has been assumed that the centaurs of Tyria are aggressive due to racial and societal differences, but an ongoing study being performed at Divinity’s Reach University suggests that their warlike nature stems from sexual frustration.  Professor of Bestial Studies, Carl Gibson told the Orrator:

“The frighteningly low female population reduces the chance that a male will mate to about 1 out of 5000, and only the most virile males are chosen for reproduction. Couple this with the notion of not being able to self-stimulate, and you can begin to see a foundation of irritation on which the centaur’s aggression is piled.”

So where do we go from here?

“Currently, we’re working on grants for further research. We’d like to look into why there are so few females being produced. Maybe we can tinker with their genetic code to fix that. Or maybe even reverse engineer the DNA so the horse part is on top and the human part is on the bottom. Not sure. Just spit balling.”

With the success of the Super Adventure Box, there’s been an equally opposite decline in traffic through the Metrica Province Arcade. The arcade was once a magnet for local commerce, housing titles such as “Full Throttle RC Golems”, “Dredge Fandango”, and “Tales of Claw Island”. Now the games sit idle as citizens who come to Rata Sum for the next big thing in gaming have turned to the Super Adventure Box.

To make matters worse, the proprietors of the arcade are past due on property taxes for the area on which the machines are located. They hope that nostalgia will be enough to bring in funds during an auction next week where all of the old equipment will be up for sale.

The Orrator would like to extend our condolences to those employees affected by the shut down.

With the immediate success of the Super Adventure Box, people have been speculative as to what its creator may be working on next. The Orrator was able to speak with Moto about the game and we may have a bit of insight. An excerpt from our exclusive interview:

Orrator: “So what’s next for the Super Adventure Box? Will we be seeing an expansion for the game?”

Moto: “Well, I don’t want to let the Charr out of the bag quite yet, but let’s just say I’ll be making a trip to Cantha to engage in the local past times before getting back to work.”

Knowing Moto’s love for Rollerbeetle Racing, we’re wondering if this means we’ll be seeing a game based on the sport. Stay tuned to The Orrator for a complete transcript from our interview.

Barmaid Barbara at the Merchant’s Coin Tavern was named employee of the month after her noble efforts during a brawl initiated by “Big Nose Ted” last week. During a heated exchange between an irregular patron and Ted’s rabble of rowdy ruffians, Barbara ensured that her tray - loaded with brimming pints of ale - stayed level and unspilled.

Not only is Barbara blessed with the equilibrium of a squirrel, she has the most beautiful eyes this reporter has ever seen. She’s one of the hardest working barmaids in the business, arriving at work at 10am every morning, and leaving at 11pm, except on Thursdays when she goes shopping for her hair and skin products. The lavender smelling soaps ensure her stunning complexion is ever-radiant. She has a voice which can only be compared to Dwayna’s. Not the best hearing, though. I fell quite hard from that ladder while looking into her bedr-

Congratulations Barbara, Employee of the Month!

Covering all the news in Tyria can be a challenge. One which led the Orrator’s sole field reporter to bouts of fatigue, panic attacks, and self-harm. Though the news is important to us here, we felt it wise to force our trusty “man on the street” to take some time away. The good news is he’s back!

The bad news is that we’re still working on the getting him on anti-anxiety pills that don’t have side effects like “may cause suicidal thoughts”. In the meantime, we’ll be trying to get him back out there to find the news you won’t see anywhere else.

While the Sylvari are Green and love everything that grows, some feel the need to disrupt plant-life with their traditions. Today a class action lawsuit was filed against the Bundles of Love flower company for the rampant destruction of countless patches of wild roses in the northern Caledon Forest.

From the law offices of Phlox and Clover, writers of the suit:

“As sure as the Claw of Jormag is Blue, this area is under strict protection to see that none of the wildlife is harmed. Even though this is plant life, such acts are considered poaching to the sylvari and we will see that justice is served to all parties involved in these damages.  Just because someone wishes to have a ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ does not give them legal immunity.”

We’ve contacted Bundles of Love for a statement but have yet to receive a reply. But consider this a warning from The Orrator to You that you may want to be cautious when picking flowers.

Last night, in front of a crowd of about a dozen citizens, Queen Jennah, Queen of Kryta and Regent of Ascalon, gave her state of the kingdom address.

As many speculated it would be, the main focus of her speech was defense against the dragons. While she didn’t have a finite solution for their destruction, she did note that she would, “work with every order in an effort to find solutions to this worldwide epidemic,” later muttering something about leaving the big dumb Vigil jocks out of it.

Next on the Queen’s agenda was her concern for proper immigration legislation in the event that citizens from the other empires would need to take refuge. She cited that due to recent evacuations from the far north, the Krytan region may see more able bodies but stated, “That doesn’t mean they can ignore local laws.”

More topics were covered, from better schooling to security against suspicious bushes. A transcript of the entire speech is located outside the palace walls in Divinity’s Reach.

WANT TO SELL: Gently used mace. I spent a good deal of time tracking down all of the necessary components for it, but upon first use the magical effects sent me into an epileptic seizure. Mail serious offers to Darrian Black.

WANT TO SELL: Collection of pre-1300 AE “Girls of Ascalon” calendars. Mint condition. Meet me under the bridge near the mystic forge in Lion’s Arch if interested.

FREE TO A GOOD HOME: I have a small litter of Quaggan babies whose mother was killed by a runaway dolyak. Looking for someone to give them the TLC they need before being released back to the wild. Not for eating. Feel free to visit the Durmand Priory to see the pups.