The Orrator

In the Blazeridge Steppes, the clouds were more ominous than ever. The dirt below, just as everything above it, was crystalline. The air felt as if you were breathing glass and every footstep was a reminder of the damage brought by The Dragonbrand™.

In an instant, Kralkatorrik’s champion was upon us. The winged shadow overhead was the flare and word traveled as fast as light from flame. Within seconds, The Shatterer would be descended upon by adventurers from all corners of Tyria and…

Never mind guys, he’s gone.

This week, Eir tackles the tough love of parenting and gives appetizer recommendations that every charr should follow.

Dear Eir,

     I want my son to follow in my footsteps, but… he’s a horrible engineer. I recently took him on his first trip to the Catacombs and it was unbearable. He placed turrets in all the wrong spots, he charged in ahead of the group and then he did nothing but whine after he didn’t get anything worthwhile from the trip. What do I do?

-Sincerely, Angry in Ascalon

Well Angry, the first thing I’d want to know is; were you always perfect? These things take time, and most importantly patience. I remember in my younger days, years before my time with Destiny’s Edge, I to would run into situations without thinking. Looking back now I realize that it was the lack of wisdom that comes with being young. Try to remember your own trip-ups and go easy on the kid. Most importantly, let him make mistakes and learn from them.

Dear Eir,

     I’m attending a get-together with some of my legion, should I bring some meat on a stick, or ale?

-From, Partier in the Plateau

You left out a key piece of information! Which legion? No worries though, Eir will break it down for you:

Fire legion: Meat on a stick (Medium well will do)

Ash legion: Meat on a stick (Extra crispy)

Iron legion: Ale

Blood legion: Both, and bring me with you

HOELBRAK – A sizable amount of people from all corners of Tyria were found loitering in the center of Hoelbrak last night. They were having an impromptu guild meeting to discuss their plans for the next month, yet they failed to fill out the necessary forms or pay the fee for a public gathering. After a complaint was lodged, the local wolfborn saw to it that these people were moved outside the city.

There was light protest from the party members, some indicating that they don’t have a formal gathering place. Others noted that their monthly meetings bring a good deal of commerce to Hoelbrak, so the fee should be waived.

The guild’s leader, who asked not to be named, told The Orrator that they will seek another location for future gatherings.

A local man was diagnosed with “severe jumper’s anxiety” today after not being able to come to terms with his inability to jump from one place to another with ease. “I know there’s treasure up there! All my friends have seen it!” said William Hoyle, a human man who had been working on getting to the top of a series of rickety planks and beams for the past five hours. Authorities say he seemed suicidal and that he was curled up in a little ball, crying about how, “It’s not fair!”

When asked how far he made it, he simply burst into tears.

In order to reduce the rampant abuse and neglect of devoted minions, the Necrotic Studies team at Grenth Community College will be holding a series of obedience classes starting next week. Beginner sessions will introduce the summoner to simple a rewards system with the hopes of making his or her colleagues actually behave as one might hope. Later, advanced classes will aim to display the minions’ true potential via an obstacle course competition.

Sign-up sheets are located on the bulletin board outside the artifice lab. Spots are being filled though, so act fast.

“Do your part!” read signs all over The Grove, which is asking that all citizens stay vigilant in fight of these woodland oppressors. It continues:

“While Zhaitan, his generals, and all their minions are the looming threat for all of Tyria, the vermin known as ‘rabbit’ has caused untold injury to the sylvari race. They look at us as food; we must look at them as enemy

Destroy these creatures on sight.”

RC GOLEMS TO GET SEQUEL

Despite negative reviews for the studio’s first title, Asura Workshop will be releasing a sequel to RC Golems. Titled RC Golems 2: The Goleming, the game looks to utilize new technology in order to make the golems more responsive, as well as add new offensive and defensive abilities. Not even children liked the first game, so it will be an uphill battle for this developer.

Look for the new tables to be installed at the Metrica Province Tech fair sometime this spring.

DANCE COMPETITION ENDS IN DISASTER

Three people are dead, dozens injured, after a dance competition was held in Lion’s Arch today. Early reports are that a charr warrior attempted a spin maneuver which led to the demise of nearby contestants. Event organizers have reported that next year’s competition will restrict the use of spiked armor.

PUBLIC INTOXICATION LEADS TO ARRESTS

A father/daughter brunch was interrupted this morning by two women droning on about the price of wine. When asked to leave, they refused and insisted that now is the best time to drink. Most children sat awestruck, while one could be heard asking, “daddy, why is mommy here?”

Divinity’s Reach was named “Best Place to Raise a Family” by Citizens magazine. While the human city’s large population was a negative, the easy access to good health care networks and entertainment edged out other major cities.

Another contributing factor to the win was that Divinity’s Reach was bested only by Hoelbrak in terms of safety. Other cities, Rata Sum specifically, still have not handled the concerns over safety rails and unfortunately boast higher than desirable counts of injuries from falls.

Look for the full article in next week’s issue of Citizens magazine.

Peacekeepers are tracking down a known home brewer of dyes. They’ve informed The Orrator that an Asura named Waltt and his golem Arvee have been selling illegal and potentially dangerous dyes on the black market. Not the Black Lion market…. the other black market. You know the one. Or you don’t. No, you don’t know that one.

From the Peacekeepers:

“It’s thought that Waltt is taking Arvee, his portable laboratory golem, to obscure areas in Tyria in order to brew his dyes and then returning to small townships for sale. Please, under no circumstances purchase dyes from anyone outside the Black Lion Trading Post.

Thank you.”

We will update you with any further developments.