ALL ROADS LEAD TO KRYTA

City planning committee members from Rata Sum, Hoelbrak, The Grove and the Black Citadel met today for a brain storming session in an effort to boost tourism in each of their cities. It seems that local merchants at each of the once major hubs are beginning to find greener pastures in human territory, citing that “not much goes on outside of Kryta these days.”

The norn are hoping that the upcoming Wintersday festival brings people back to the great white north, while the sylvari of The Grove are still a bit miffed that the only press they get these days are regarding Scarlet Briar. According to the Grove representative; “She’s starting to get people thinking that we’re all NUTS.”

Asura spokesperson Trigg mentioned that, “If it weren’t for Moto and his Super Adventure box, we would have gone into the red last month.” To which Klauss Thunderpaw, the charr dignitary responded, “Yeah, the only reason people are in the Citadel lately is because they want to see a box with some dead human in it. Sometimes it feels like dead humans is all we got around our parts.”

THE MAD KING’S EVIL KNOWS NO DEPTH!

While history books already tell the many tales of the Mad King, who knew his brand of evil was so…..eeeeevil? Beware! Upon hunting the frightful ghouls, mummies, and lunatics ever-filling the halls of Thorn’s labyrinth, you may find a trick in what appears to be a treat.

Upon dispatching a candy corn elemental, Keith Walberry found the remains too sweet to resist. Taking a bite, however, proved to be headache inducing once his teeth met a bone chip hidden within.

Keith was too busy screaming in pain for comment, but we at The Orrator would like to remind you to check your candy before eating. Especially if Mad King Thorn had anything to do with it.

I KNOW WHAT YOU BOUGHT AND SOLD LAST AUTUMN

A cool wind is in the air and with it comes change. Like assassins in the night, the city planning committee of Lion’s Arch has transformed the roads, bridges and gathering places into a fear inducing festival of fall-time delight. But there are some who still lurk in the shadows. Away from the merriment they sit and watch, waiting to pounce on their prey.

Black Lion Trading Brokers.

Beware! These dastardly ne’er-do-wells are keeping a keen eye on the market as you and others like you are enjoying the gloomy gathering of ghouls and ghosts. They weep while you destroy your teeth by consuming the candy that could make them wealthier. They’re sitting in your bushes, ready to buy up and stockpile for the next holiday season.

The call is coming from inside the candy… and it’s telling you to SELL… SELL… sell…

HARVESTER OF DESPAIR

Citizens are on the verge of marched protest in the streets on Lion’s Arch this morning. Whispers among the gathering crowd are one part anger and three parts fear. Some are visibly shaken, their eyes transfixed to the distance as if they’ve seen the machinations of Grenth himself. Instead, they’ve witnessed the horror provided by Evon Gnashblade in this week’s flier of upcoming items for his Gem Store.

“What IS that thing?” one man asks while others bite their nails or run hands through hair so roughly that they almost pull out clumps like feathers from a chicken. ”I think I heard someone say it’s a ‘Jack in the box’ that harvests vegetables,” a woman remarks to which a man responds, “OH GOD…. my name is Jack!” before screaming as he jumps off the pier. On and on the townspeople spoke…            

“I think it’s going to harvest our souls!”

“I don’t want it to eat my children!”

“Maybe this is what we get for not voting Gnashblade…”

I’LL HAVE THE BAD SALAD JOKE, PLEASE.

A Lion’s Arch man who has spent the past year threatening to tell a joke at the sylvari’s expense has finally spilled it. While speaking with his close friend, he once again mentioned that he “was going to make a bad salad joke” when his colleague spun on his heel and began the following exchange:

“FINE! SAY IT! I’m sick and tired of hearing you say you have this joke but that you ’don’t feel like it’. Do you even HAVE a joke to tell or is ‘I was going to make a bad salad joke’ the joke?

“I have a joke!”

“Well…. we’re waiting…”

“Fine. Do you know why sylvari aren’t cannibals?”

“Why?”

“Because if they were, they’d never leave the toilet.”

“….. You’re right. That was bad.”

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KEEP MOVING FORWARD

RATA SUM - Asura from every college are beginning to question if they’d be better off back underground. The results of a study conducted last month show Asura quality of life at an all-time low, indicating that the gadget hungry little buggers aren’t pleased with the lack of advancement in many facets of technology.

The study is bringing to light numerous concerns in the asura capital of Rata Sum, where just last week a man was just imprisoned after attempting to accost Zojja while yelling, “I WANT A MR. BUBBLES! WHY IS SHE SO SPECIAL?!”

Rata Sum businessman and part time adventurer Glikk, who witnessed the ordeal, gave us some insight as to why the wee geniuses are not pleased.

“I thought we’d each have our own golems by now. Even our weaponry isn’t getting any better. When the humans and… ppffftt… norn are using the same equipment as us, you know things are stagnant. We Asura thrive on progress.”

ELDERLY MAN HEARD COMPLAINING TO ANYONE WHO IN EARSHOT

An older gentleman seen walking the streets of Divinity’s Reach seemed to have zero empathy and thought for others as he went on and on about anything that bothered him and was opposed to his personal ideologies.

“Scarlet’s just some crazy salad lady seeking attention. Back in my day, you had a reason to crash parties and cause chaos across the five corners of Tyria.”

“Mesmers are ruining this country. Back in my day, we saw a scenic outcropping on top of some sketchy looking scaffolding; we found a way up there!”

“The Asura need to move their big ears back underground. They think they’re all better than me. Well I don’t need a stinkin’ robot to do my work for me. Back in my day we broke down doors with our FISTS.”

“Kids these days are week I tells ya! Back in my day, we warded off attacks by Tequatl five times a week. Naked! Why, I’ll show you how it’s done!”

The old man then began stripping down to his underwear but didn’t get far before local Seraph responded and escorted him away from the bank.

ATF TO RECONSIDER SPEAR REGULATION

The bureau of Alcohol Traps and Firearms will be holding a session today to determine whether or not spears should be approved for use on land. Current laws relegate their use for fishing but many anglers have long wanted to use the pointy sticks of death for hunting above sea level.

“I could be all like, ‘yaaa yyaaa heeeyaaa uugh uugh’,” said big game hunter Cletus Hartwell as he demonstrated the “sweet moves” he would use if he was allowed to use a spear on land. He continued, “then the Ogre would be all ‘uugghh, I hate them spears! Ow! Ugggghh I’m dying!’ *coughing sounds*.”

Cletus then lay on the ground while gripping a broomstick with his underarm to simulate the proposed death, which garnered a slow round of applause by committee members. 

THE NEXT SUPER ADVENTURE BOX?

Moto didn’t disappoint with his second installment of the Super Adventure Box. World 2 offered the same great gameplay from the original with more challenges than you could swing a pixilated stick at. But critics were harsh on the Back to School installment, citing that the sequel was “uninspired” and “didn’t push the technology in any way we haven’t already seen.”

But Moto may be able to redeem himself against those who would point out perceived faults in someone’s creation rather than create something themselves. We caught up with Moto and asked him if World 3 would be a departure from the series.

“Very probable! Not only in terms of gameplay but it may… also… be physically moving from Rata Sum. Given the high power draw that the game requires and the energy tariffs proposed by those in charge here in my beloved home, I may be forced to find an alternative and more powerful source of energy to run the Super Adventure Box. The good news is that, if my calculations are correct, the Super Adventure Box Turbo will be capable of advanced graphics that… well…. I have to run.”

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