The Orrator

SHOT, THROUGH THE HEART?

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 08:58:20 -0400

A crazed engineer was arrested today after going on a rampage in Gendarran Fields. Eyewitnesses state that he laughed maniacally while shooting steamy hot ooze from a rifle-like device. “We were just hunting Risen in the swamp and this guy came out of nowhere and shot us with this… slimy… ugh… I’ve had three showers and I still can’t seem to get clean,” said one of the half dozen victims, “he just yelled ‘I CAME HERE TO EAT TASTY SANDWICHES AND SPRAY THOSE IN NEED WITH MY LOVE GUN, AND I’M ALL OUT OF TASTY SANDWICHES! POW!’”

The large metal and glass contraption was confiscated by local guards who are unsure what the motive behind this attack was at this time.

DEATHS OF STRAY MILITIA ON THE RISE

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 09:03:58 -0400

THE MISTS – Reports of singular deaths scattered across the Mists have increased over the past few weeks. Messages from the front lines indicate that stray combatants have been seen chased by walls of men and women for hundreds of yards without even noticing until their demise is assured.

It’s thought that a possibly lack of good peripheral vision is leading these people away from their battalions. A word to the wise: don’t get caught away from your group and be sure to check in with your optometrist before heading out to battle.

IT'S BECAUSE OF INTERCOURSE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 11:59:38 -0400

It has been assumed that the centaurs of Tyria are aggressive due to racial and societal differences, but an ongoing study being performed at Divinity’s Reach University suggests that their warlike nature stems from sexual frustration. Professor of Bestial Studies, Carl Gibson told the Orrator:

“The frighteningly low female population reduces the chance that a male will mate to about 1 out of 5000, and only the most virile males are chosen for reproduction. Couple this with the notion of not being able to self-stimulate, and you can begin to see a foundation of irritation on which the centaur’s aggression is piled.”

So where do we go from here?

“Currently, we’re working on grants for further research. We’d like to look into why there are so few females being produced. Maybe we can tinker with their genetic code to fix that. Or maybe even reverse engineer the DNA so the horse part is on top and the human part is on the bottom. Not sure. Just spit balling.”

ASURA ARCADE TO SHUT DOWN

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 20:25:50 -0400

With the success of the Super Adventure Box, there’s been an equally opposite decline in traffic through the Metrica Province Arcade. The arcade was once a magnet for local commerce, housing titles such as “Full Throttle RC Golems”, “Dredge Fandango”, and “Tales of Claw Island”. Now the games sit idle as citizens who come to Rata Sum for the next big thing in gaming have turned to the Super Adventure Box.

To make matters worse, the proprietors of the arcade are past due on property taxes for the area on which the machines are located. They hope that nostalgia will be enough to bring in funds during an auction next week where all of the old equipment will be up for sale.

The Orrator would like to extend our condolences to those employees affected by the shut down.

RUMOR: MOTO TO WORK ON NEW TITLE FOR THE SUPER ADVENTURE BOX

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 12:06:00 -0400

With the immediate success of the Super Adventure Box, people have been speculative as to what its creator may be working on next. The Orrator was able to speak with Moto about the game and we may have a bit of insight. An excerpt from our exclusive interview:

Orrator: “So what’s next for the Super Adventure Box? Will we be seeing an expansion for the game?”

Moto: “Well, I don’t want to let the Charr out of the bag quite yet, but let’s just say I’ll be making a trip to Cantha to engage in the local past times before getting back to work.”

Knowing Moto’s love for Rollerbeetle Racing, we’re wondering if this means we’ll be seeing a game based on the sport. Stay tuned to The Orrator for a complete transcript from our interview.

GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 09:00:52 -0400

Barmaid Barbara at the Merchant’s Coin Tavern was named employee of the month after her noble efforts during a brawl initiated by “Big Nose Ted” last week. During a heated exchange between an irregular patron and Ted’s rabble of rowdy ruffians, Barbara ensured that her tray - loaded with brimming pints of ale - stayed level and unspilled.

Not only is Barbara blessed with the equilibrium of a squirrel, she has the most beautiful eyes this reporter has ever seen. She’s one of the hardest working barmaids in the business, arriving at work at 10am every morning, and leaving at 11pm, except on Thursdays when she goes shopping for her hair and skin products. The lavender smelling soaps ensure her stunning complexion is ever-radiant. She has a voice which can only be compared to Dwayna’s. Not the best hearing, though. I fell quite hard from that ladder while looking into her bedr-

Congratulations Barbara, Employee of the Month!

LOCAL NEWS REPORTER RETURNS FROM UNANNOUNCED VACATION

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 11:02:34 -0400

Covering all the news in Tyria can be a challenge. One which led the Orrator’s sole field reporter to bouts of fatigue, panic attacks, and self-harm. Though the news is important to us here, we felt it wise to force our trusty “man on the street” to take some time away. The good news is he’s back!

The bad news is that we’re still working on the getting him on anti-anxiety pills that don’t have side effects like “may cause suicidal thoughts”. In the meantime, we’ll be trying to get him back out there to find the news you won’t see anywhere else.

EVERY ROSE HAS ITS LAWSUIT

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 11:38:07 -0500

While the Sylvari are Green and love everything that grows, some feel the need to disrupt plant-life with their traditions. Today a class action lawsuit was filed against the Bundles of Love flower company for the rampant destruction of countless patches of wild roses in the northern Caledon Forest.

From the law offices of Phlox and Clover, writers of the suit:

“As sure as the Claw of Jormag is Blue, this area is under strict protection to see that none of the wildlife is harmed. Even though this is plant life, such acts are considered poaching to the sylvari and we will see that justice is served to all parties involved in these damages. Just because someone wishes to have a ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ does not give them legal immunity.”

We’ve contacted Bundles of Love for a statement but have yet to receive a reply. But consider this a warning from The Orrator to You that you may want to be cautious when picking flowers.

THE 1325 AE STATE OF THE KINGDOM

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 09:02:02 -0500

Last night, in front of a crowd of about a dozen citizens, Queen Jennah, Queen of Kryta and Regent of Ascalon, gave her state of the kingdom address.

As many speculated it would be, the main focus of her speech was defense against the dragons. While she didn’t have a finite solution for their destruction, she did note that she would, “work with every order in an effort to find solutions to this worldwide epidemic,” later muttering something about leaving the big dumb Vigil jocks out of it.

Next on the Queen’s agenda was her concern for proper immigration legislation in the event that citizens from the other empires would need to take refuge. She cited that due to recent evacuations from the far north, the Krytan region may see more able bodies but stated, “That doesn’t mean they can ignore local laws.”

More topics were covered, from better schooling to security against suspicious bushes. A transcript of the entire speech is located outside the palace walls in Divinity’s Reach.

CLASSIFIEDS

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 12:15:03 -0500

WANT TO SELL: Gently used mace. I spent a good deal of time tracking down all of the necessary components for it, but upon first use the magical effects sent me into an epileptic seizure. Mail serious offers to Darrian Black.

WANT TO SELL: Collection of pre-1300 AE “Girls of Ascalon” calendars. Mint condition. Meet me under the bridge near the mystic forge in Lion’s Arch if interested.

FREE TO A GOOD HOME: I have a small litter of Quaggan babies whose mother was killed by a runaway dolyak. Looking for someone to give them the TLC they need before being released back to the wild. Not for eating. Feel free to visit the Durmand Priory to see the pups.

TAKE THESE BROKEN WINGS

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 09:00:03 -0500

In the Blazeridge Steppes, the clouds were more ominous than ever. The dirt below, just as everything above it, was crystalline. The air felt as if you were breathing glass and every footstep was a reminder of the damage brought by The Dragonbrand™.

In an instant, Kralkatorrik’s champion was upon us. The winged shadow overhead was the flare and word traveled as fast as light from flame. Within seconds, The Shatterer would be descended upon by adventurers from all corners of Tyria and…

Never mind guys, he’s gone.

DEAR EIR…

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 09:02:00 -0500

This week, Eir tackles the tough love of parenting and gives appetizer recommendations that every charr should follow.

Dear Eir,

I want my son to follow in my footsteps, but… he’s a horrible engineer. I recently took him on his first trip to the Catacombs and it was unbearable. He placed turrets in all the wrong spots, he charged in ahead of the group and then he did nothing but whine after he didn’t get anything worthwhile from the trip. What do I do?

-Sincerely, Angry in Ascalon

Well Angry, the first thing I’d want to know is; were you always perfect? These things take time, and most importantly patience. I remember in my younger days, years before my time with Destiny’s Edge, I to would run into situations without thinking. Looking back now I realize that it was the lack of wisdom that comes with being young. Try to remember your own trip-ups and go easy on the kid. Most importantly, let him make mistakes and learn from them.

Dear Eir,

I’m attending a get-together with some of my legion, should I bring some meat on a stick, or ale?

-From, Partier in the Plateau

You left out a key piece of information! Which legion? No worries though, Eir will break it down for you:

Fire legion: Meat on a stick (Medium well will do)

Ash legion: Meat on a stick (Extra crispy)

Iron legion: Ale

Blood legion: Both, and bring me with you

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 20:14:55 -0500

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME SORT OF HALL

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 12:15:54 -0500

HOELBRAK – A sizable amount of people from all corners of Tyria were found loitering in the center of Hoelbrak last night. They were having an impromptu guild meeting to discuss their plans for the next month, yet they failed to fill out the necessary forms or pay the fee for a public gathering. After a complaint was lodged, the local wolfborn saw to it that these people were moved outside the city.

There was light protest from the party members, some indicating that they don’t have a formal gathering place. Others noted that their monthly meetings bring a good deal of commerce to Hoelbrak, so the fee should be waived.

The guild’s leader, who asked not to be named, told The Orrator that they will seek another location for future gatherings.

FAIR SKINNED HUMAN MALE UNABLE TO LEAP

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 09:11:41 -0500

A local man was diagnosed with “severe jumper’s anxiety” today after not being able to come to terms with his inability to jump from one place to another with ease. “I know there’s treasure up there! All my friends have seen it!” said William Hoyle, a human man who had been working on getting to the top of a series of rickety planks and beams for the past five hours. Authorities say he seemed suicidal and that he was curled up in a little ball, crying about how, “It’s not fair!”

When asked how far he made it, he simply burst into tears.

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR MINION

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 12:01:17 -0500

In order to reduce the rampant abuse and neglect of devoted minions, the Necrotic Studies team at Grenth Community College will be holding a series of obedience classes starting next week. Beginner sessions will introduce the summoner to simple a rewards system with the hopes of making his or her colleagues actually behave as one might hope. Later, advanced classes will aim to display the minions’ true potential via an obstacle course competition.

Sign-up sheets are located on the bulletin board outside the artifice lab. Spots are being filled though, so act fast.

HELP THIN THE RABBIT POPULATION

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 09:00:55 -0500

“Do your part!” read signs all over The Grove, which is asking that all citizens stay vigilant in fight of these woodland oppressors. It continues:

“While Zhaitan, his generals, and all their minions are the looming threat for all of Tyria, the vermin known as ‘rabbit’ has caused untold injury to the sylvari race. They look at us as food; we must look at them as enemy

Destroy these creatures on sight.”

NEWS BITES

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 11:59:17 -0500

RC GOLEMS TO GET SEQUEL

Despite negative reviews for the studio’s first title, Asura Workshop will be releasing a sequel to RC Golems. Titled RC Golems 2: The Goleming, the game looks to utilize new technology in order to make the golems more responsive, as well as add new offensive and defensive abilities. Not even children liked the first game, so it will be an uphill battle for this developer.

Look for the new tables to be installed at the Metrica Province Tech fair sometime this spring.

DANCE COMPETITION ENDS IN DISASTER

Three people are dead, dozens injured, after a dance competition was held in Lion’s Arch today. Early reports are that a charr warrior attempted a spin maneuver which led to the demise of nearby contestants. Event organizers have reported that next year’s competition will restrict the use of spiked armor.

PUBLIC INTOXICATION LEADS TO ARRESTS

A father/daughter brunch was interrupted this morning by two women droning on about the price of wine. When asked to leave, they refused and insisted that now is the best time to drink. Most children sat awestruck, while one could be heard asking, “daddy, why is mommy here?”

AND THE WINNER IS...

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 11:59:00 -0500

Divinity’s Reach was named “Best Place to Raise a Family” by Citizens magazine. While the human city’s large population was a negative, the easy access to good health care networks and entertainment edged out other major cities.

Another contributing factor to the win was that Divinity’s Reach was bested only by Hoelbrak in terms of safety. Other cities, Rata Sum specifically, still have not handled the concerns over safety rails and unfortunately boast higher than desirable counts of injuries from falls.

Look for the full article in next week’s issue of Citizens magazine.

DO THE COLORFUL CRIME, DO THE COLORFUL TIME

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 09:04:29 -0500

Peacekeepers are tracking down a known home brewer of dyes. They’ve informed The Orrator that an Asura named Waltt and his golem Arvee have been selling illegal and potentially dangerous dyes on the black market. Not the Black Lion market…. the other black market. You know the one. Or you don’t. No, you don’t know that one.

From the Peacekeepers:

“It’s thought that Waltt is taking Arvee, his portable laboratory golem, to obscure areas in Tyria in order to brew his dyes and then returning to small townships for sale. Please, under no circumstances purchase dyes from anyone outside the Black Lion Trading Post.

Thank you.”

We will update you with any further developments.