April 2013
7 posts
2 tags
SHOT, THROUGH THE HEART?
A crazed engineer was arrested today after going on a rampage in Gendarran Fields. Eyewitnesses state that he laughed maniacally while shooting steamy hot ooze from a rifle-like device. “We were just hunting Risen in the swamp and this guy came out of nowhere and shot us with this… slimy… ugh… I’ve had three showers and I still can’t seem to get clean,” said one of the half dozen victims, “he just...
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DEATHS OF STRAY MILITIA ON THE RISE
THE MISTS – Reports of singular deaths scattered across the Mists have increased over the past few weeks. Messages from the front lines indicate that stray combatants have been seen chased by walls of men and women for hundreds of yards without even noticing until their demise is assured.
It’s thought that a possibly lack of good peripheral vision is leading these people away from their...
IT'S BECAUSE OF INTERCOURSE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE
It has been assumed that the centaurs of Tyria are aggressive due to racial and societal differences, but an ongoing study being performed at Divinity’s Reach University suggests that their warlike nature stems from sexual frustration. Professor of Bestial Studies, Carl Gibson told the Orrator:
“The frighteningly low female population reduces the chance that a male will mate to about 1 out of...
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ASURA ARCADE TO SHUT DOWN
With the success of the Super Adventure Box, there’s been an equally opposite decline in traffic through the Metrica Province Arcade. The arcade was once a magnet for local commerce, housing titles such as “Full Throttle RC Golems”, “Dredge Fandango”, and “Tales of Claw Island”. Now the games sit idle as citizens who come to Rata Sum for the next big thing in gaming have turned to the Super...
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RUMOR: MOTO TO WORK ON NEW TITLE FOR THE SUPER...
With the immediate success of the Super Adventure Box, people have been speculative as to what its creator may be working on next. The Orrator was able to speak with Moto about the game and we may have a bit of insight. An excerpt from our exclusive interview:
Orrator: “So what’s next for the Super Adventure Box? Will we be seeing an expansion for the game?”
Moto: “Well, I don’t...
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GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND
Barmaid Barbara at the Merchant’s Coin Tavern was named employee of the month after her noble efforts during a brawl initiated by “Big Nose Ted” last week. During a heated exchange between an irregular patron and Ted’s rabble of rowdy ruffians, Barbara ensured that her tray - loaded with brimming pints of ale - stayed level and unspilled.
Not only is Barbara blessed with...
3 tags
LOCAL NEWS REPORTER RETURNS FROM UNANNOUNCED...
Covering all the news in Tyria can be a challenge. One which led the Orrator’s sole field reporter to bouts of fatigue, panic attacks, and self-harm. Though the news is important to us here, we felt it wise to force our trusty “man on the street” to take some time away. The good news is he’s back!
The bad news is that we’re still working on the getting him on anti-anxiety pills that don’t have...
February 2013
17 posts
3 tags
EVERY ROSE HAS ITS LAWSUIT
While the Sylvari are Green and love everything that grows, some feel the need to disrupt plant-life with their traditions. Today a class action lawsuit was filed against the Bundles of Love flower company for the rampant destruction of countless patches of wild roses in the northern Caledon Forest.
From the law offices of Phlox and Clover, writers of the suit:
“As sure as the Claw of Jormag is...
4 tags
THE 1325 AE STATE OF THE KINGDOM
Last night, in front of a crowd of about a dozen citizens, Queen Jennah, Queen of Kryta and Regent of Ascalon, gave her state of the kingdom address.
As many speculated it would be, the main focus of her speech was defense against the dragons. While she didn’t have a finite solution for their destruction, she did note that she would, “work with every order in an effort to find solutions to this...
4 tags
CLASSIFIEDS
WANT TO SELL: Gently used mace. I spent a good deal of time tracking down all of the necessary components for it, but upon first use the magical effects sent me into an epileptic seizure. Mail serious offers to Darrian Black.
WANT TO SELL: Collection of pre-1300 AE “Girls of Ascalon” calendars. Mint condition. Meet me under the bridge near the mystic forge in Lion’s Arch if interested.
FREE TO A...
4 tags
TAKE THESE BROKEN WINGS
In the Blazeridge Steppes, the clouds were more ominous than ever. The dirt below, just as everything above it, was crystalline. The air felt as if you were breathing glass and every footstep was a reminder of the damage brought by The Dragonbrand™.
In an instant, Kralkatorrik’s champion was upon us. The winged shadow overhead was the flare and word traveled as fast as light from flame. Within...
3 tags
DEAR EIR…
This week, Eir tackles the tough love of parenting and gives appetizer recommendations that every charr should follow.
Dear Eir,
I want my son to follow in my footsteps, but… he’s a horrible engineer. I recently took him on his first trip to the Catacombs and it was unbearable. He placed turrets in all the wrong spots, he charged in ahead of the group and then he did nothing but whine after...
3 tags
IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME SORT OF HALL
HOELBRAK – A sizable amount of people from all corners of Tyria were found loitering in the center of Hoelbrak last night. They were having an impromptu guild meeting to discuss their plans for the next month, yet they failed to fill out the necessary forms or pay the fee for a public gathering. After a complaint was lodged, the local wolfborn saw to it that these people were moved outside the...
3 tags
FAIR SKINNED HUMAN MALE UNABLE TO LEAP
A local man was diagnosed with “severe jumper’s anxiety” today after not being able to come to terms with his inability to jump from one place to another with ease. “I know there’s treasure up there! All my friends have seen it!” said William Hoyle, a human man who had been working on getting to the top of a series of rickety planks and beams for the past five hours. Authorities say he...
5 tags
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR MINION
In order to reduce the rampant abuse and neglect of devoted minions, the Necrotic Studies team at Grenth Community College will be holding a series of obedience classes starting next week. Beginner sessions will introduce the summoner to simple a rewards system with the hopes of making his or her colleagues actually behave as one might hope. Later, advanced classes will aim to display the minions’...
4 tags
HELP THIN THE RABBIT POPULATION
“Do your part!” read signs all over The Grove, which is asking that all citizens stay vigilant in fight of these woodland oppressors. It continues:
“While Zhaitan, his generals, and all their minions are the looming threat for all of Tyria, the vermin known as ‘rabbit’ has caused untold injury to the sylvari race. They look at us as food; we must look at them as enemy
Destroy these creatures on...
2 tags
NEWS BITES
RC GOLEMS TO GET SEQUEL
Despite negative reviews for the studio’s first title, Asura Workshop will be releasing a sequel to RC Golems. Titled RC Golems 2: The Goleming, the game looks to utilize new technology in order to make the golems more responsive, as well as add new offensive and defensive abilities. Not even children liked the first game, so it will be an uphill battle for this...
3 tags
AND THE WINNER IS...
Divinity’s Reach was named “Best Place to Raise a Family” by Citizens magazine. While the human city’s large population was a negative, the easy access to good health care networks and entertainment edged out other major cities.
Another contributing factor to the win was that Divinity’s Reach was bested only by Hoelbrak in terms of safety. Other cities, Rata Sum specifically, still have not...
4 tags
DO THE COLORFUL CRIME, DO THE COLORFUL TIME
Peacekeepers are tracking down a known home brewer of dyes. They’ve informed The Orrator that an Asura named Waltt and his golem Arvee have been selling illegal and potentially dangerous dyes on the black market. Not the Black Lion market…. the other black market. You know the one. Or you don’t. No, you don’t know that one.
From the Peacekeepers:
“It’s thought that Waltt is taking Arvee,...
3 tags
PUBLIC NOTICE FOR RATA SUM VISITORS
Renovations have begun in Rata Sum to replace all of the vintage latrines. Norn and charr visitors have caused irreparable damage to the plumbing which was once thought to be an engineering marvel. The new system will take advantage of asura gate technology and transport the waste to the nearby St. Ivy factory where it will be converted to the sylvari favorite ”Miracle-Glo“ body...
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THE GROVE BECOMES CAPITAL OF DEBAUCHERY
While visiting a friend in the Grove this evening I came across what, at least from the onset, appeared to be a friendly gathering. I was just about to be on my way when a few of the attendees dropped “Boxes o’ Fun” for everyone to indulge in. The party quickly became an orgy of anarchy. One would have thought the participants had imbibed copious amounts of alcohol, yet no one...
4 tags
DOLYAKS MEAN BUSINESS
Maxtar Rapidstep wasn’t always wealthy. By looking at him, you wouldn’t guess that he had more than a few gold to his name. He was once just a simple supplier of dolyak meat, but the now household name of Rapidstep has become synonymous with dolyaks since he was the first to offer a low-cost means of transporting supplies in The Mists.
The brilliance in Maxtar’s business isn’t that he receives an...
3 tags
GRIEVING THE LOSS OF INCOME
Mourners gathered around the site of a well-known orichalcum vein in the Southsun Cove yesterday which has seemingly run dry. Tears were shed and words were shared about the impact that losing this backbone of their economy will be. “It’s always been there for me… like a rock…. well, not just a physical rock, but like… a metaphorical rock of sorts. It was a constant in this crazy world we live...
January 2013
42 posts
4 tags
NOTICE OF FRAUDULENT MAIL
With the mass quantities of mail being delivered, it’s understandable that there’s little quality control. For a while now, some have used the system for the occasional joke without much fear of retribution. More recently though, it seems someone has gone from joke to scam in an attempt to gain your personal information.
If you’ve recently received a letter from the far continent of Elona, you...
3 tags
RESTAURANT TO CLOSE
Dill Barden was a man with the dream of owning and operating his own restaurant. Yet, Dill has never been a smart man. Last year when the Southsun Cove became a sudden tourist destination, Dill took this as his opportunity to realize his dream.
With a five hundred gold loan from the First Tyrian Savings and Loan he built his first and last Red Karka. Offering what was to be the freshest crab legs...
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IMMIGRATION REFORM BACK IN THE LIMELIGHT
Norn and Charr alike are leaving their impoverished homesteads in greater numbers these days, in turn putting immigration policies for the lower Tyrian states back into question. While a larger percentage of the population are accepting of their distant cousins and willing to provide them with the means to survive, others worry that this will somehow affect the economy.
Local union member, Randy...
4 tags
RISEN RESIDENTS REDUCE WITH RISE IN REFUSE
Orr was once a beautiful land blessed by the gods yet became marred many years ago by The Cataclysm. With Orr’s more recent rise from the ocean depths, many had hoped that we’d eventually be able to clear the undead from the area and settle the land once again. Efforts to do this had seemed all but fruitless until recently, when traders in the area began offering a new line of Orrian jewel...
4 tags
NORTHERN TOURISM?
Local Wolfborn noted an unusual amount of citizens visiting the Wayfarer Foothills yesterday evening. It’s still unsure what the reason for the increased traffic is, but it was noted that many looked as if they were searching for something important.
The Orrator will keep abreast of the situation.
4 tags
TRY BEFORE YOU BUY
A Rata Sum citizen was arrested after causing a scene at the Black Lion Trading Post. The reason for his disruption stemmed from his desire to try on a piece of armor before he purchased it. The manager at the trading post spoke with The Orrator:
“We do what we can to make our customers happy, but… my hands are tied. These policies come down from corporate. I tried to explain to him...
3 tags
AREA MAN ATTRIBUTES YOUTHFUL ENERGY TO HOT SPRINGS
While making a trip through Wayfarer Foothills this weekend, I came accross a man named Burrison who was taking on anyone who dared. This is common practice for the Norn, sure, but when I asked him how old he was my jaw dropped. He was at least twenty-five years older than he looked.
I had to know how he did it. I prodded him for information to find out what kept him so energetic after all these...
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STOP THE VIOLETS
A citizen of the Grove died today after being struck by a cart filled to the brim with violets. The flower-filled cart was being delivered to a local parade float manufacturer in preparation for The Pale Tree’s birthday celebration. Karle Fairweather, a visibly shaken merchant who had witnessed the grim demise of his fellow sylvari, told The Orrator, “It’s sort of ironic really… she always said...
5 tags
ONLOOKERS TRY TO SAVE MALCHOR FROM HIMSELF
A crowd of supporters followed the drunken ghost of famed sculptor Malchor around northern Orr last night. He was reportedly on yet another binge after looking upon the statue he created in honor of Dwayna.
“He goes through this on a regular basis,” said Angmar, one of the many who were following Malchor around the site where he claimed his own life many years ago. “He just can’t get...
2 tags
PRICES SKYROCKET AFTER MAGICAL SUPPLY FAERIES...
Inventory of many highly sought after materials suddenly dwindled last week as the magical supply faeries who keep the market well stocked, suddenly vanished. Their sudden disappearance has caused a swell in the market for numerous goods such as Armored Scales, Powerful Blood, and Crystalline Dust.
No one knows if these creatures will return one day to continue their golem-like ability to harvest...
3 tags
LABOR NEWS COULD HINDER BACKPACK SALES
Just a day after the company unveiled its new line of Hello Quaggan backpacks, the Sanquaggan Company is under fire for allegedly using forced quaggan labor to create the new plush accessory.
The accusations were brought forth by Ramperoo, a quaggan who says he was able to escape the labor camp. He claims that he just wants to set his brothers and sisters free, citing that the work conditions are,...
3 tags
HORN ENHANCEMENT: HOT OR NOT?
BLACK CITADEL – In an effort to stay attractive to the opposite sex, more and more charr have taken to extreme measures. Yes, horn-jobs are at an all-time high.
This comes as no surprise. With the help of new surgical techniques devised by the asura, horn enhancement is now safer than ever. Plus, unlike horn enhancement pills, this outpatient surgery comes with no fear of addiction, violent mood...
3 tags
WHO IS THE REAL BAD GUY?
A sit-in is planned by demonstrators who oppose the wanton destruction of grawl artifacts throughout Tyria. A spokesperson for “Leave Every Grawl” (LEG), has issued the following statement:
“Any act of violence shown by these indigenous species is only prevalent because so called ‘adventurers’ have a habit of destroying the grawl’s totems, cave drawings, and other artifacts which they hold dear....
2 tags
THE BEST AID FOR A DYING ALLY IS...
A recent study has found, conclusively, that gentle rubbing is still the best medical aid for fallen comrades.
The study, performed by the Durmand Priory, polled ten thousand Tyrians over the past two months who had recently fallen in battle. A control group of one thousand people were left to their own devices and were still in a downed state at the end of the study’s polling period. The...
3 tags
HOMEBREWED DYE INJURIES ON THE RISE
Burns and lacerations surrounded by vibrant coloration. Reports of injuries with this description are popping up everywhere. The cause: Homebrewed dyes. With the cost of unidentified dyes reaching all-time highs, some people have reached new levels of desperation to get their clothes and armor colored just right. We spoke with the head dye chemist at “I Could Just Dye”, the makers of...
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TSPCQ TO BEGIN NEW AD CAMPAIGN
The Tyrian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Quaggans has just signed Eir Stegalkin to be their new spokesperson. She will hit the road for a series of tour stops, singing her new single “In the Arms of a Quaggan” and speaking on behalf of the group in an effort to increase public awareness of the plight these innocent creatures face.
Dates and locations will be posted next...
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DREDGE BULLYING DIGGING TO NEW LOWS
While most of the Tyrian population can’t stand the horrible… disgusting creatures, some Dredge have made attempts to rebel against their kind and become more socially acceptable to the other races. It turns out the cause of this rebellion is an increase in peer bullying. Yancy, a former Siegemaster for the Dredge clan in Fortforge Sound spoke with The Orrator:
“I just couldn’t take it anymore....
4 tags
MAN DISSAPEARS DURING FRACTAL LEAP
It was reported today that one of the brave men investigating the Fractals of the Mists is now lost in the ether. Dr. Samm Beckett was in between leaps when something went amiss.
“We don’t know what happened yet and we’re doing everything we can to get him back. His communication channel is still open with us, but… he keeps saying that he’s in old Tyria speaking with a ‘Keiran Thackery’ about the...
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WHAT NOT TO WEAR
HOELBRAK, Northern Shiverpeaks - A quite fashionable male norn spoke with merchants at the Black Lion Trading Post for hours on end, buying and selling high end articles of clothing and becoming increasingly frustrated. When the mustachioed clerk asked what the big deal was, the norn, shortbow slung over his back, replied:
“Sweetie, I’d pay top dollar for something that...
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FALLS ON THE RISE
You would think that Tyrians have enough to worry about. Between foreign invaders and attacks by anything from centaurs to risen, there’s an ample supply of risk outside our doorsteps. Adding to the list is simple missteps that lead to serious injury, if not a grisly demise, by falling from terrible heights.
This could and should be avoidable.
An investigative krewe was formed last month in...
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CASCADE BRIDGE IMPASSABLE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
In the early hours of the morning, bandits struck using barrels filled to the brim with explosives and destroyed Cascade Bridge, located in eastern Lornar’s Pass. This high road travel route has become the focal point of numerous pirate attacks as of late, and this will mark yet another instance when the local Wolfborn were not numerous enough to hold them off.
Engineers will be reporting to the...
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AREA MAN JUST WANTED SOME FREE TIME
A Hoelbrak man was placed under arrest last night as he reentered the city. The charge: neglect. It seems that Bart Gunderson, a single parent, left his 3 year old son home alone while he went out to battle a Claw of Jormag. The following is the exchange overheard by our reporter on the scene:
Wolfborn: “Sir, what were you thinking, leaving a three year old at home alone?”
Bart:...
